So it's 2008...

...and I’ve started yet another blog. I know y’all are just sick of my ass, too. I’ve had a Xanga, a Livejournal, three other random blogs, one on Myspace and now this one. I mean, if I were you I would be like “Nigga, sit down somewhere… and get a job…” Does anyone even remember what a Xanga is? You could make it all fancy I think and that’s probably why I liked it. I’ve recently rediscovered behaviour enhancing pharmacuticals too (Ritalin, Adderall, whatever the hell else they make), and call it a mild addiction if you must, but that stuff gets me on the straight up creativity point for real. The simple fact that I’m writing this right now without being on one of them just seems downright futile to me. I’m not gonna be nearly as witty or on-top-of-my-game as I would be with it—but then, maybe I never was in the first place.

Naw, I’m always witty.

So, let’s talk about social groups in this fine city for a moment. I’m probably gonna catch some heat (or an elbow, whichever comes first) for saying some of this because I’m about to talk mad shit about certain groups of people and I actually have friends in all these groups. It’s ok, I’m gonna append myself to some of these groups so, uhh, speculatively I’ll be talking shit about myself too. Had it not been for my best friend, this topic would never have even crossed my mind. Ever since he joined the marines he’s had this perpetual enlightenment thing going on and it still amazes me. He will come damn near out of nowhere dropping straight knowledge on top of my head and I have to admit that it really intrigues me, even now. At first I thought it was just a Greasers vs. Soc’s type thing, but it goes oh-so-much deeper than that.

Yeah, so what. I made a fucking Venn diagram. It helps me to oganize my thoughts and better illustrate the points I’m about to make. Plus, sometimes I secretly wish I was still in school because if I were I’d so be Valedictorian or something right now. Partly due to the fact that I’ve rediscovered those behaviour enhancing pharmaceuticals, but never you mind about all of that. Just pay attention.

So I know what you guys are thinking right now. How in the HELL did I come up with the classifications I came up with? Well, when you get down to the fundementals of class distinction in this city, this is what you get—when we talk about night life, anyway. I KNOW, I KNOW, there isn’t a “minorities” circle. Well, for those of you who don’t know, I am a minority and I can safely say that we would definitely need our own Venn for these intents and purposes. So again, shuttup and pay attention:

The Elites

They shop at Southpark Mall, especially since the overhaul which brought about such rich-white-folk-essentials as Nieman Markus and Nordstrom. They go to parties that aren’t ever really even called parties; galas, social events, balls, etc… they wouldn’t be caught dead at “the club” (unless it’s preceeded by the word ‘country’) but instead frequent über-classy lounges and bars tucked neatly away from the prying eyes of the general public inside high rise office buildings in the heart of uptown. Yeah man, there’s a reason you didn’t know those places existed.

The Rednecks

Now, don’t get me wrong. The term “Redneck” in the sense that I’m using it is an all-encompassing word that I employ to describe ruralized, working class southerners who are really into Nascar, PBR and Country Music. All Rednecks are not PWTs (Poor, White… you know), but unfortunately most PWTs in this area are in fact Rednecks. SORRY. They shop at Westfield Mall in Gastonia or Concord Mills from what I’ve seen. They go to house parties and lake parties that are usually extremely fun and laid back. A fight will probably break out at some point, but it’s ok. Everyone’s prepared for it. You’ll see them mostly at bars like Buckwild, T-Bones or the unfortunately named “Knothole” in on Lake Wylie… or at Carowinds on any given day during the summer months. I don’t even need to mention Coyote Joes; that shit’s a given.

The Normals

Just kind of… there. Their presence goes all but completely ignored as far as the nightlife is concerned. Generally good people not even out to impress anyone; just there to have a good time. They do THEMSELVES. They shop at all the normal malls like Northlake and Carolina Place. As long as theres an American Eagle or an Abercrombie and Fitch, it’s all good. Now, one might think that such an unnoticed group would just be a bunch of wannabes. No, this is not the case. Normals don’t want to be anything but themselves and arern’t really concerned what anyone else thinks about them. We’ll get to the wannabes in a second, though…

Now, the observant reader has no doubt noticed the areas between the Venn circles where new colours appear. These are the areas of highest interest to me. So, what do you get when you mix blue (elites) and yellow (rednecks)?

Smarmy Southern Frat Boys

With their Croakies and Sperrys and Vinyard Vines shirts, the Smarmy Southern Frat Boy (And their female equivalents, the Daddy’s Little Beer Drinkin’ Debutantes with their Vera Bradley purses and frocks) make up a pretty large percentage of the Charlotte nightlife. Like their slightly bluer elitist cousins, you won’t find them at the normal club but they will be all up in Cans, Buckhead and at one point in time Grand Central (But Cans took care of that). During the week, though, they’re more easily found beer-pongin’ it up closer to their respective universities. They chew dip, drink PBR and like off-roadin’… but they also play golf, go to steeple chases and belong to the country club. They’ve been described to me as “expensive white trash” (EWT?) but I’m careful not to use that terminology myself as I have a lot of friends who fall into this category. I mean, my roomate falls into this category. They’re fun to hang out with as long as the alcohol keeps flowing.

Note: They like to drink a lot. I mean, A LOT. Be careful not to let them mix dark and light licqueur. Fights will ensue.

Ok art class, what happens when we mix blue (elites) and red (normals)? We get…

Club Hoppin’ Glamouratti

Remember how we talked about wannabes earlier? Well, not everyone in this category is a wannabe, but an approximate fourth of them are. New Money Elites fall into this category too. It does not matter what day it is, whatever club is having college night is where you’ll find this group. The reason for this is, there are so many of them in Charlotte that the group has traversed age boundaries. They shop at pretty much every mall. They feed off of MTV culture and are all about some Affliction, Famous or anything else with random crosses, skulls and baroque motifs scattered all over. Oh, and hair gel. They use lots and lots of hair gel. The preferred hairstyle is one that brings to mind the condition of someone who decided it would be a good idea to stick a fork in an electrical outlet. Spikey and up. The girls wear little more than just scraps of fabric that leave little to the imagination. They’re really tan too, and have long blond hair. The CHG is a forced to be reckoned with here in Charlotte. They dictate everything that happens here in Charlotte just because there’s so damn many of them. Alleycat, Bar Charlotte, Forum, and certain areas of Cans are where you’ll find these kids. Very fun to hang out with, and generally very friendly.

Note: Generally despised by the SSFBs.

Now the last group isn’t one I’ve seen a lot of, but they still exist. The combination of red (normals) and yellow (rednecks) gives us something that’s increasingly more difficult to find around here:

Normal Southerners

It’s a running joke here in Charlotte that no one from Charlotte is actually from Charlotte. It’s true as a mother fucker too. I don’t know what happened to all these people. I think as the influences from up north, out west and Florida (which is technically the south, but so totally not the south) encroached upon this lil’ southern town, they all packed up and moved to the outskirts. From what I’ve seen, they’re extremely charming, nice, religious and really don’t go out that much. From what I’ve seen, there really aren’t even any in my age group. They’re all older and married with kids in middle school. I guess you’ll see them if you go to like, TGIFridays, or something.

I think I’m gonna send this to like, Carolina Nightlife or one of those sites. I think it would serve them well to use my Venn to vet their patrons. I would trip out if I saw my diagram up in a bar somewhere.